Tuesday, September 20, 2005

It's been a tough one... again.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong these days, it must be my attitude because I'm not having the sunny disposition that i usually carry with me. I get so irritated so easily about stuff that I know doesn't matter. It is so frustrating to not know why I'm stressing myself out. I have been tired lately, but my infections don't seem to be coming back, why can't I be happy about that? Other than just working a lot I have a great life and I know that I'm not appreciating it like I should be. It seems like all I want to do is get home so that i can rest or sleep. I'm always seeming to be doing something for prepare for work, either it be rest up so that i can go in the next day, or go on some damn shopping trip for the place, or trying to find clothes to fit my fattening body to look appropriate for the dining room. I think that is what has me so frustrated the past few weeks, trying to shop for pants and realizing that the size that i was a year ago will no longer fit, and the clothes that i was fitting into 6 months ago are snug (to put it gently). And the doctors and nurses tell me that it's the prednisone, and it just does that. But DAMN IT, I HATE IT! I hate feeling hungry and never satisfied and thinking about what i can have next and if it's healthy or not. I hate when people try to get me to eat something and I can't say no even though i KNOW i should stay away from it cause it's usually something like a piece of cake or a donut or candy. I try so hard to be good, but the only thing that seems to keep me truly good is sleeping. I used to sleep my way through my days... Those were not happy days at all for me. I'm just so scared that I won't be able to get off the damn steriods and I'll just keep getting bigger and bigger. People try to be nice and say they don't notice the difference in me, but HELLO, YOU CAN'T GAIN 30 pounds and not see a difference unless you are blind, and last time i checked i don't have many people around me with those white stick thingies. I even bought one of those exercise machines from an infomercial on late night TV thinking that it was something that was would be easy on my joints and would motivate me to get going on toning my body back up, but once I got it I found it to be too hard on my knees and now am thinking of selling it on craigslist.com. I feel like I'm trying so hard and also feel like I'm letting everyone one around me down all of the time. At work because I'm tired and grumpy all the time, and at home because i can't stay awake long enough to pick J up from work, and my family and friends because I'm always too tired to make it down for events and soemtimes even make a phone call because it takes so much energy to interact with people and sometimes I just don't want them to ask how I am because I don't want to have to lie. I've thought about talking to my boss about possibly taking everyother sunday off, some weeks I just can't face 4 service days. The winter is coming which means we usually would be going down to 3 service days a week, however the HF is looking like we are going to have a nice fall/winter season, which is great, i like to be busy, but i don't like to be so busy that i feel like i just don't want to do it anymore, because i still do enjoy what i do, and if i don't say so myself, I think I'm pretty good at it. I like that we have had a busy summer, i just wish that i could ask for help before it comes to the breaking point. Life is a learning process and I'm still so young.
Damn, that was necessary wasn't it?! I didn't know what i had in me... I guess that's why I started this blog in the first place, to VENT my frustrations on what the JRA is doing to me and my little place in this world.
On Bebo.com I've resorted to drawing on the whiteboard feature. It's so much fun, it lets me draw like a kid again. I can sit in front on my laptop for it seems like an hour just doodling stupid little pictures and it makes me happy. I guess it isn't as hard on my hands as regular drawing because i'm just using the click button on the mouse instead of all of the pressure of holding a pen or pencil to draw with. I wish the little white board had a few more features, but it will have to do for now. It seems like with out the little white board i would be going nuts these days. I don't know what's going to happen when baseball ends, I'm going to be LOST!
Speaking of "LOST" Jason and I have started watching the entire first season of the TV show Lost. It's so addictive. The first night we started watching the DVD i got through one before my drugs kicked in and i fell asleep, but J continued to watch the entire first disk, which is the first 4 episodes... And I've been trying to catch up ever since. I finally did today watching a total of 4 just today alone!! I watched 2 a few nights ago. It was so funny today when i had finally caught up with him and he wanted to watch the next one, but i had been watching all morning while he was asleep, and baseball was coming up. So we missed the pre-game so that we could watch the next one together, and then we went and picked up some take-out so we could go home and watch baseball. But during the entire game he was whining that he just wanted to watch "Lost" and not a LOSING BASEBALL team.... I had to shove my computer at him and tell him to search for new ringtones for his razor. Somehow he got distracted on the way to the ringtones and started looking at pictures of Old English Mastiffs, SO CUTE! In a few years once we have a place that we can have a doggy we are going to get a mastiff. I told him that he should get a mastiff and I'll get a weiner dog and we could walk em down the street together and it would be so cute. I also said that the mastiff probably wouldn't be able to sleep on the bed with us cause it just might crush my broken body. we'll have to get a drool proof bed for the thing set up next to our bed. The weiner dog can cuddle with us though, I've decided, i think i forgot to tell Jason that part though.... Oh well, who could ever resist a weiner dog face?

wow, it's 2:30... Time flies when you have stuff on your mind and it won't stop coming out!

Jason has a poker night with his buddies now, so i had a brilliant idea on my way home from dropping him off, i should have my girl night that day! I'm going to see if Mondays work for Nickki to have a hang out day then. Either I could mosey on down south or we could hang out up here in the coolness of Wedgewood!
Jason finally has two days off a week now! Well, this week, one of his line-cooks is going on vacation next week, so he has to cover those shifts, but after that he will have monday AND Tuesday off, which are MY days off too! It's so nice to know that I'm going be able to sleep in on Tuesday and still have the entire afternoon and evening to just lounge with my honey. I have a feeling that we will be watching a lot of "Lost" and setting up the VCR to record the season premire coming up on Wednesday. It will be cool once we are all caught up and have something to look forward to every week, like a normal run of the mill couple! How about that! I'm astonished that I'm getting back into primetime TV again. But I tell ya what, the entire season on DVD is certinly the way to go, there are no commercials, but you can tell where there would have been a break, and it's so great to only have to wait about 3 seconds for the scene to continue. The entire first season of Lost was only 40 bucks, which is entirely worth it since we miss all the damn breaks, AND we can have mini marathons of watching it all day long or night if it comes to that. I was very tempted to watch a few episodes when Jason was at Joe's house playing poker, but i made a personal guarentee that i wouldn't watch anymore without him unless i was catching up due to me falling asleep during a watching period. sooooo here i am typing away and not watching Lost. I even tidied up the bedroom and put away some clothes! I was a good girlfriend today. Damn it, he's buying me a big big coffee tomorrow, maybe even a pumpkin scone if i feel like it too! yep, i think i do!
Gee, i don't know if i have that much more too say, although i do feel a whole lot better now that i have typed my little heart out. I feel bad for anyone who stumbles upon my little rants because they are so negitive, but i feel like if i publish it than i have done more than write it in a notebook and stash it away to go back and just relive it myself. This way I sorta know that i told someone, but i didn't have to deal with the reactions, or the best part for me is not having the guilt of laying all this shit on people i love. I do get it out in someway and I think that has to be healthier than keeping it bottled in my giant head. Maybe I'll go rant about how much i think the Mariners front office sucks and how i think they could improve the team for next year. I spent nearly an hour writng all of this, hope someone out there read it, if not, hey I won't know, but at least my attitude got a little dusting ;)

Love is all around,


Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Orchids are addictive...
Ode to Danny Wilson and some other stuff too.

Dan Wilson, my paperboy catcher for the Seattle Mariners from 1994-2005 announced that he will retire when the 2005 season ends. Anyone who follows the Mariners knew that it could be a possiblity when he tore a ligament in his knee on May 4th of this year after getting a basehit to left field and had to leave the game. I was working for ANC that game and saw Danny's last at bat and saw him walk off the field. I felt that something was wrong as I watched him walk off with the trainer Rick Griffin. I kind of just stood there with a very worried feeling and didn't want to sit back down. It was like the day before Boonie was traded to Minnesota, i knew that it was his last game in a Mariner uniform. Although today during Wilsons press confrence he said that he would like to play at least one more inning this season before hanging it up. The announcers were talking about who he might catch for, such as long time teammate Jeff Nelson or Jamie Moyer. He gets to make his own ending after the injury, i think that is nice. He is such a good man, not only as a ML baseball player but in the world. He and his wife are so involved in the community and help so many children. He also said that he would like to remain involved with the Mariners in some fashion as well, either it be with the charity work that the team is involved with or down the road maybe a coach of some sort. I really hope that happens. It would be so great to see Dan Wilson a pitching coach and right beside him Edgar Martinez as a batting coach! How about Jay Buhner being a bench coach or an outfield coach? Or maybe Danny could be manager and Jamie Moyer could be the pitching coach when he decides to retire? I like that idea too. There just seem to be some people in this world that it would just be too hard not to remain in contact. (on a side note, when i met Jason I had the same feeling about him, there are just some good people that have to remain a part of your life in some respect). Look at the Mariners since Danny went out with the injury, we have had so many catchers in and out of the position, i think i heard a while back that we have used 6 different guys trying to fill his spot. AND no one will ever have his demeanor, no one can replace what Dan Wilson has, he is just a good man. So, Danny Wilson, I will miss watching your talents on the baseball diamond, but hope that we still see your talents taught to young people all over in this world. Thanks for making the #6 mean something special.

I found a arthritis group on myspace.com and am so happy that i did. I've been reading it for about a week now and it's SO comforting to know that there are young people out there that are stuggling with the same exact things that i am on a daily basis. They actually understand from experience and not just trying to understand by my words. It's so exciting for me to write to people and ask them about the medications that they have been on or are currently on and what worked and side effects. There is a girl that i think is 17 and is on prednisone like I am and experienced something called "moon face" which now i have a term to define my puffy face!! It is a side effect that i knew of, but didn't know it had a cool name. The weight gain is part of it too. But in the past week of reading posts from this group I feel like i have people that i can ask questions to and they can give me an answer that isn't so scientific but is from actual experience! It's a suppot system, but from what I've read so far these people aren't down on what has happened to them, but are there to share their struggles and sucesses with arthritis. I was always a little scared to start reading a group message board for arthritis thinking that it would just bring me down, like there would be constant whining about "why me" but it's not. I've only made a few posts, but everyone seems very welcoming and interested in my story. I have to say that i do have it very good compared to some of the people on there. There are some stories that remind me of when i was very sick and could barely get out of bed some days. One person started a post of 20 things that are difficult to do with RA and so of course other people came up with their own lists of 20, it was fun. I started thinking of how my list has changed over the past few years, I am so grateful! I think i should start thinking of my own list, I don't know if i will post it or not but it could be fun. I got a few good arthritis friendly tips from the list though. It's so great to read peoples ideas on how to beat this disease. It's so helpful to read that I am not alone and never will be, especially because i know that i have an amazing support group around me. I guess that I'm just excited that I fould the group.

On to my vent space, i really should come up with a good name for my venting sessions here, i'll have to start thinkin on that. But my goodness it does make me feel better.
I've been so frustrated with my weight gain from all of the steriods and flare ups that make me sleepy. I'm the heaviest that i have ever been and it really is making me sad. Some days i think that the pain of a flare up would be worth it if i could just fit into my work clothes and not have to wear the same 3 pair of pants every week. Not wear the same few shirts i feel comfortable in, or feel like i might get talked to at work for wearing sleevless shirts because my body chemestry has changed and I get so damn warm when i start working and walking around the dining room. I get so sad when i'm always hungry and know that i should ignore the little voice in my head because it is just the prednisone talking. I have completely lost the ability to recognize when i should stop eating. I just don't ever seem to get full and could sit down and eat a entire meal and 30 minutes later do it again. I've tried drinking water every time i want to eat, but that just endsup making me need to pee every 15 minutes (i've learned that i have a small bladder) and it doesn't curb the hunger at all. I have found that the only thing that stops me thinking of the hunger.... is sleeping.... which luckily since i have been working a lot, I get home most days and fall asleep. And another thing I am so frustrated with is that I have changed my diet so much in the past few months and still nothing! I decided that when i do get hungry that if i eat an apple or pear or some baby carrots that it is better for me that a cheesy tortilla or ramen noodles. I have cut WAY back on my soda and juice intake as well. I have a friend at work that is a personal trainer and i ask her health questions from time to time. I asked about beverages one day and she told me about the healthier options over juice (which i hadn't noticed that there is nearly as much sugar and calories in a glass of juice as there is in a can of soda) and Lauren suggested water of course, but if i want something that i actually like, milk. Even chocolate milk is better than juice. I guess that I'm just trying to be concious of what goes in my body even though it doesn't seem to be doing anything for the continued weight gain. The docs tell me that the magic thing to get the weight off is tapering the prednisone. I have to get through the slow taper process though. One mg every 2 weeks. I'm so tempted to go faster but the last time I did that i had a major flare that made me miss a day of work. I just can't seem to find a good balance. I should sit down and really think about trying to get a work schedule so that i get enough rest and don't feel guilty. I just don't know how to go about it. I really would like to have a review with my boss, and i know i deserve a raise because my last raise sorta pisses me off. And I am totally willing to take on more, as long as i don't feel guilty when i get tired. I don't know how to convey that i get strssed out and sometimes need help. I feel guilty for asking people to help because we are all in the same boat with how busy this summer has been. I was thinking that sunday i should have taken a personal day because everything was just pissing me off. But it just seems like i would be putting so much more stress on my teammates if i did that and asked for help when they already are stretched so thin. I think that i need to have a meeting with my boss and discus these issues that i'm having. I don't know if the dining room meeting is a place to bring it up, but maybe. We will all be there and i could just try maybe. I dunno. I'll give it some more thought. I don't feel like writing anymore, i wanna go play on the white board on bebo.


Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Long time no write!

It has been so long since the last time I have written that it seems like I have to start over almost. Not that so much has happened to me in the past few weeks, just working a lot it seems. But the tragic happenings with the hurricane seem so overwhelming sometimes. It's so hard to put my frustrations down when people have lost everything and actually know the meaning of frustration and pain. Sometimes i just don't know what to do to help, because the need is so great and there are so many places reaching out. I found on one web site that the Humaine Socity was in need of money, and that felt like a place that i would feel very good about giving part of my donation to help. The red cross or the salvation army will also get another part. If there are any other places that you feel that are absolute necessary please let me know, i get paid on wednesday and would like to make a donation very soon to get help to the people and animals in need.
As for my life, as i said, it seems like all i have been doing is working and sleeping. I've been so tired lately. I don't know if it is because work frustrates me sometimes and i just get mentally worn out or if my body is just tired. I have gotten overtime twice in the past month and at least 79 hours the past two pay periods. I haven't worked this much since before all of the surgeries. I am really trying to listen to my body and be nice to it. I wear support on my wrist and try not to do too much at once with my hand. I even had one of my co-workers do some folding for me one sunday. I also have told my boss that i won't be doing the glass polishing because i don't want to reinjure myself and have held steady on that. I'm also finally!! not as moody as i was before from the zyvox. It seemed to be a much stronger moodiness this time around and lasted longer after i got off the antibiotic. I'm almost sure that the stress at work had something to do with that. We have just been so busy at work, I can't remember a day when we weren't busy. Which is good, i like that we are full nearly every night, but it is so tiring. Last week the books were full everyday but sunday, we were really slow in fact, but Ron and Carrie had a wonderful idea to offer a Hurricane Katrina fund raising dinner. For every person that donated 250 dollars to the red cross the herbfarm would treat them to dinner. So of course then everyone wanted the place as full as we could get it. We booked everything but the founders room and had 75 people come to dinner that night. I don't think all 75 were donating to the red cross since some people had reservations before the hurricane happened, but i think it was 15-20 thousand dollars that was raised. I'm curious to talk to my buddies at work tomorrow and see how the evening went.
This coming work week is going to be a busy one as well, but not as crazy busy as the past few weeks. The menu we are running is just a pain in the ass. It's called Rouge Bins and Bottle Booty. Ron and Christine had the idea a few years back to have a theme where they could sorta raid the cellar and get rid of some odds and ends. It was that was for the first two years, but this year it's the same wines they are serving all weekend long. So i say boot the booty menu for next year and same with the red head menu, That one should only be six courses.
Drugs are starting to take effect and my keys feel funny, like they are all wiggly and wobbley
We are going to be having a dining room meeting on the 15th which is next week, wish it was this week! I have a nag list, everyone is going to hate me all over again. Nag nagnagnagnag nag nagn nag ngan naf nag nag nag I:M FRUSTRATRED when I:M FRUSRTATED I'M SO FRustrated when , But i;m grateful I get FrusTrated when .... I get frustrated when... Very uncomfortable.

---((((( ok, a few days after this post I came back and deleted the actual details of my frustrations. Sometimes I think the computer needs to be taken away from me when i get sleepy, no matter how entertaining it may be when i return to see my mind sputtered out online for anyone to fall upon and read. Not that i should be embarassed or anything, but sometimes i believe it can be better to be a little less "out there"))))))) ----

Although, i'm NOT at all frustrated with the new cabbage chargers that we got from Italy this time. They are a better design than the last ones we had. aAnd the absolute best thing about them is, are you ready? They haven't chipped majorly and they have been in heavy service night for two or three weeks!!!!! It makes the entire setting and table look better. they are a softer look and each has a little bit different glaze job. Overall i am very pleased with the look and especaially the way they are holding up during service. Another thing that i'm such a dork about in the dining room is my doilies. We got a new shipment in so that i could start to retire the "faders" I took all of the doilies, in two seperate batche days and tea dyed them at home. The look fantastic now. The first batch was a little paler than i would have liked, but the second batch turned out so beautiful. So now we have new chargers, new doilies that are properly dyed, linens have been pretty good quality for folding, i;m getting lotsa hours which i guess means i won't go bankrupt trying to fill up my gas tank. I almost want to get gas every day becuase if i wait then by the time i need to fill up completely it will be painful..

_-_-_-_- if you havn't noticed, the drugs have knicked in and i'm having an amnesia episode rightnow_-_--_---_---

I don't know if topping off the tank is a good plan or not. I don;t know what to do, it's getting so high. I would like to ask if i can get a cost of living wage increase since everything is getting so exensive. The world is in a mess right now and i don't have the answers, i just have questions. !! Such as; why did the three bears leave the pourage on the table? what were they doing ? and what makes that little bitch think that she can come into their house and make herself comfotable and dip her germ infested spoon into each of their bowls!
stupid girl