Tuesday, September 20, 2005

It's been a tough one... again.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong these days, it must be my attitude because I'm not having the sunny disposition that i usually carry with me. I get so irritated so easily about stuff that I know doesn't matter. It is so frustrating to not know why I'm stressing myself out. I have been tired lately, but my infections don't seem to be coming back, why can't I be happy about that? Other than just working a lot I have a great life and I know that I'm not appreciating it like I should be. It seems like all I want to do is get home so that i can rest or sleep. I'm always seeming to be doing something for prepare for work, either it be rest up so that i can go in the next day, or go on some damn shopping trip for the place, or trying to find clothes to fit my fattening body to look appropriate for the dining room. I think that is what has me so frustrated the past few weeks, trying to shop for pants and realizing that the size that i was a year ago will no longer fit, and the clothes that i was fitting into 6 months ago are snug (to put it gently). And the doctors and nurses tell me that it's the prednisone, and it just does that. But DAMN IT, I HATE IT! I hate feeling hungry and never satisfied and thinking about what i can have next and if it's healthy or not. I hate when people try to get me to eat something and I can't say no even though i KNOW i should stay away from it cause it's usually something like a piece of cake or a donut or candy. I try so hard to be good, but the only thing that seems to keep me truly good is sleeping. I used to sleep my way through my days... Those were not happy days at all for me. I'm just so scared that I won't be able to get off the damn steriods and I'll just keep getting bigger and bigger. People try to be nice and say they don't notice the difference in me, but HELLO, YOU CAN'T GAIN 30 pounds and not see a difference unless you are blind, and last time i checked i don't have many people around me with those white stick thingies. I even bought one of those exercise machines from an infomercial on late night TV thinking that it was something that was would be easy on my joints and would motivate me to get going on toning my body back up, but once I got it I found it to be too hard on my knees and now am thinking of selling it on craigslist.com. I feel like I'm trying so hard and also feel like I'm letting everyone one around me down all of the time. At work because I'm tired and grumpy all the time, and at home because i can't stay awake long enough to pick J up from work, and my family and friends because I'm always too tired to make it down for events and soemtimes even make a phone call because it takes so much energy to interact with people and sometimes I just don't want them to ask how I am because I don't want to have to lie. I've thought about talking to my boss about possibly taking everyother sunday off, some weeks I just can't face 4 service days. The winter is coming which means we usually would be going down to 3 service days a week, however the HF is looking like we are going to have a nice fall/winter season, which is great, i like to be busy, but i don't like to be so busy that i feel like i just don't want to do it anymore, because i still do enjoy what i do, and if i don't say so myself, I think I'm pretty good at it. I like that we have had a busy summer, i just wish that i could ask for help before it comes to the breaking point. Life is a learning process and I'm still so young.
Damn, that was necessary wasn't it?! I didn't know what i had in me... I guess that's why I started this blog in the first place, to VENT my frustrations on what the JRA is doing to me and my little place in this world.
On Bebo.com I've resorted to drawing on the whiteboard feature. It's so much fun, it lets me draw like a kid again. I can sit in front on my laptop for it seems like an hour just doodling stupid little pictures and it makes me happy. I guess it isn't as hard on my hands as regular drawing because i'm just using the click button on the mouse instead of all of the pressure of holding a pen or pencil to draw with. I wish the little white board had a few more features, but it will have to do for now. It seems like with out the little white board i would be going nuts these days. I don't know what's going to happen when baseball ends, I'm going to be LOST!
Speaking of "LOST" Jason and I have started watching the entire first season of the TV show Lost. It's so addictive. The first night we started watching the DVD i got through one before my drugs kicked in and i fell asleep, but J continued to watch the entire first disk, which is the first 4 episodes... And I've been trying to catch up ever since. I finally did today watching a total of 4 just today alone!! I watched 2 a few nights ago. It was so funny today when i had finally caught up with him and he wanted to watch the next one, but i had been watching all morning while he was asleep, and baseball was coming up. So we missed the pre-game so that we could watch the next one together, and then we went and picked up some take-out so we could go home and watch baseball. But during the entire game he was whining that he just wanted to watch "Lost" and not a LOSING BASEBALL team.... I had to shove my computer at him and tell him to search for new ringtones for his razor. Somehow he got distracted on the way to the ringtones and started looking at pictures of Old English Mastiffs, SO CUTE! In a few years once we have a place that we can have a doggy we are going to get a mastiff. I told him that he should get a mastiff and I'll get a weiner dog and we could walk em down the street together and it would be so cute. I also said that the mastiff probably wouldn't be able to sleep on the bed with us cause it just might crush my broken body. we'll have to get a drool proof bed for the thing set up next to our bed. The weiner dog can cuddle with us though, I've decided, i think i forgot to tell Jason that part though.... Oh well, who could ever resist a weiner dog face?

wow, it's 2:30... Time flies when you have stuff on your mind and it won't stop coming out!

Jason has a poker night with his buddies now, so i had a brilliant idea on my way home from dropping him off, i should have my girl night that day! I'm going to see if Mondays work for Nickki to have a hang out day then. Either I could mosey on down south or we could hang out up here in the coolness of Wedgewood!
Jason finally has two days off a week now! Well, this week, one of his line-cooks is going on vacation next week, so he has to cover those shifts, but after that he will have monday AND Tuesday off, which are MY days off too! It's so nice to know that I'm going be able to sleep in on Tuesday and still have the entire afternoon and evening to just lounge with my honey. I have a feeling that we will be watching a lot of "Lost" and setting up the VCR to record the season premire coming up on Wednesday. It will be cool once we are all caught up and have something to look forward to every week, like a normal run of the mill couple! How about that! I'm astonished that I'm getting back into primetime TV again. But I tell ya what, the entire season on DVD is certinly the way to go, there are no commercials, but you can tell where there would have been a break, and it's so great to only have to wait about 3 seconds for the scene to continue. The entire first season of Lost was only 40 bucks, which is entirely worth it since we miss all the damn breaks, AND we can have mini marathons of watching it all day long or night if it comes to that. I was very tempted to watch a few episodes when Jason was at Joe's house playing poker, but i made a personal guarentee that i wouldn't watch anymore without him unless i was catching up due to me falling asleep during a watching period. sooooo here i am typing away and not watching Lost. I even tidied up the bedroom and put away some clothes! I was a good girlfriend today. Damn it, he's buying me a big big coffee tomorrow, maybe even a pumpkin scone if i feel like it too! yep, i think i do!
Gee, i don't know if i have that much more too say, although i do feel a whole lot better now that i have typed my little heart out. I feel bad for anyone who stumbles upon my little rants because they are so negitive, but i feel like if i publish it than i have done more than write it in a notebook and stash it away to go back and just relive it myself. This way I sorta know that i told someone, but i didn't have to deal with the reactions, or the best part for me is not having the guilt of laying all this shit on people i love. I do get it out in someway and I think that has to be healthier than keeping it bottled in my giant head. Maybe I'll go rant about how much i think the Mariners front office sucks and how i think they could improve the team for next year. I spent nearly an hour writng all of this, hope someone out there read it, if not, hey I won't know, but at least my attitude got a little dusting ;)

Love is all around,