Saturday, April 29, 2006
I worked and got off at 3 again today. I made it home in time for the baseball game and folded the entire game, which is fantastic because i can go home early again tomorrow! But it has worn me out for the second day in a row. I took extra prednisone tonight to try to curb the inflamation tomorrow. I took quite a lot of pain meds when i got home because of all the folding my hand was getting swollen. I've been drinking more water than usual, but if anyone that knows my water intake, it's probably still not enough. With the prednisone I know i need to keep the water intake high. On this note I think i will drink a glass of water and go to sleep. Gotta rise early and get to work so that i can get home and rest :)
Friday, April 28, 2006
Waiting for the pills to kick in so that I can sleep before work tomorrow. I did so much folding at home this week that i think that I want to get back in the habit so that i can skip out of work in the afternoon instead of early evening. I left today at just about 3:00 PM and it felt so good to be driving home and get home with a reasonable time to nap and relax. I hardly knew what to do with myself! I had all of the menu napkins done for the weekend as of yesterday and i had also gotten the replacement napkins for Thursdays dinner done ahead of time, so as soon as i got the dining room set all i had to as far as folding was the wash cloths for the guest restrooms. It was like the good ol days when i had nearly all of the folding done and all i had to do was the actual setting of the dinning room. I didn't get to work until 9:30 this morning and i still felt like i got a LOT done. I had the extra time that i would have spent on folding on organizing and helping out the messy pantry area. Our pantry steward that we recently hired pretty much walked out last Saturday night. She said that she felt "ill" and called the next day and said that she wasn't coming back. I don't think that she was a good fit, personally. She wasn't organized and wasn't very detail oriented, two things that are nearly a must for that position. We are busy this weekend as well, so i don't know who is going to fill in, but i suppose that i can do recieving and try to keep the glass room tidy for a while until we find a new person. Jihoon has been coming in a few times a week, and Carolyn has made a few appearances since she gave notice. It's so hard to keep good pantry people, well at least the backup pantry position. In the time that I've been working in the D.R. we have had two stable pantry people, Jess and Carolyn. Everyone else just seems to fade away or takes the position to try to get their foot in the door either for server or kitchen. I suppose that it would work in some cases, but not in the ones so far. I want my brother Thomas to start serving, i think he would be a great asset to the team, plus i could boss him around once a week on prep days! But seriously, the herbfarm needs a few good servers, seems like we have had a MAJOR dry spell in hiring the past year!! I wish that they could offer Thomas what he needed to come and be happy. Maybe Tom should just go back to school and work nights at the herbfarm?
My review has been set for Thursday at 1 PM. I don't really know what to expect from it. It seems like from June to November i was a rock star employee, then i got another infection and got really tired. I got grumpy, and i think that i got really frustrated at life and every day things. Since December i have been struggling and i don't know how that will effect my review. I should mention that, i suppose. We'll see.
I'm not sleepy, I'm not sleepy. I'm not sleepy. I want to be sleeping again! I picked up Jason from work, we drove Joe home to Northgate and came home so that Jason could play with our roommates on the 360 and the new HDTV. It's so funny how this fighting/boxing game is such a boy game. They are saying that it is the best game ever made and especially with the HD. They are all so into it. I laugh, i don't fully understand it, it looks like a regular game to me, but there is something special about Fight Night Round 3!!
I was watching QVC today and they had a 4 hour Gem Fest show on this afternoon. Most of the jewelry was ok, nothing i felt like i had to have until the last hour! There was a diamond circle pendent with a button white pearl set in the bottom of the circle. It was so pretty! It was also set in white gold, which is my favorite metal. It was a little pricey at about 175 bones, but it was soooo pretty. When i was jewelry shows i don't usually see pieces that i feel that i need to have, but i felt that i wanted that one. I know i can't give in to any of it because it will be all over when i start ordering jewelry from the shows. I'll turn into one of the ladies that call in and say that they have already ordered too much that day... I can't be affording to get myself into that!! And the last time i thought that i HAD to have it, i told Jason, he ordered it for me and when the fed ex package came the jewelry had been stolen out of the box and the empty little boxes left on our porch.... That made me very sad and i haven't been able to even think about getting another order. All i have actually ordered off the TVshows are parcels of loose gems, which are so much fun because you don't really know what you are going to get. The last parcel that i got it was guarenteed that you got a aquamarine, a sapphire, and a ruby. They were small, but i was happy, and I have another 100 carats to add to my collection. It was my Valentines Day present from my honey. I just need to get the case to store them in. I got some really nice stones that i want to make into pieces. Some big ones that would make beautiful pendents. Some matched stones that would be wonderful for ear rings, and some others that would be lovely as rings, i also have lots of little stones that i can use as accent stones. If i only knew where to go to get the castings and things for making it. It will be my newest hobby once my hands get stronger.
My poor little right hand is a little swollen from all of the folding that i have done the past few days. I also did some ironing on Monday for work. I'm nearly caught up with the ironing, but we are busy this weekend, which means i better do some ironing during the game on friday so that i don't get too backed up again. On that note i think i will stop writing about work because it means that i'm thinking too much about work and i don't wanna right now. So good night, gonna go play some sudoku!
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
I have been struggling mightily the past few months with this damn disease. I have been trying and trying but i get so frustrated sometimes. I really do try to keep a positive attitude, but some days i don't want to be positive, i don't want to be weak and i certinly don't want the stresses that come with the stupid disease. I keep thinking about what all of the pain meds are doing to my liver, what they are doing to my stomach, what it is doing to my brain. The last two years have been near torture on my body. It has had too many surgeries, too much pain medication and so much weight put on I just don't know how the damn thing keeps adapting. I hate complaining, yet i keep feeling the need to pour my heart out onto the blog or something like that so that i don't drag actual people into my minds own battle with it's self. Wait, what am i saying, i love complaining, i do it all the time. And it's absolutly wonderful to write it all. It's lovely having an outlet to write at. In fact i love that i can write about how much something sucks and knowing that it's out there in the world somewhere, and someone can read it and take what they want from it and i don't have to respond to it. I think that helps a lot. I like talking to my honey about things that bother me, but i don't always want to bring him down or know how much little things bother me sometimes. I think that is natural. It's almost like having a therapist without actually having the person writing in their notebook about how messed up my mind is. I know that I'm struggling, but I have family there to tell me all of that i don't need to pay for someone to tell me what i already know. And i have my doctor there to prescribe me the crazy pills to help me numb to it all.
I was talking to my cousin last week about depression and it really was comforting knowing that there is someone else out there that has had the same thoughts about "going crazy" as i have had. I think it made her feel better too. Maybe it is something in our family that chemically wrong. We both had nutty thoughts about silly things and knew that we shouldn't be feeling that way and yet couldn't help it. I knew that i had to get on medication for that reason and so did she. It helps to have a support system there, even if you don't talk to them constantly, just knowing that they are there if you need em is comforting.
At the shower someone asked me, i can't remember who, what my feelings and thoughts were about depression. I don't know how many people knew that i was on meds for it, but i told them that i had been on zoloft for about two years and i thought that it worked really well for about a year, and now i don't think it is working as well. I feel like i'm slipping back to where i was before. I think i should contact my doctor or at least the Kerry and see what i should do about the dose, either go higher or switch to another medicine all together. I should also ask what the side effects are long term of this stuff. Some of the depression medication commercials say something about sexual side effects, is that long term or immediate? I really need to ask more questions when i go to the doctor. I always feel rushed to get out of there though... Maybe i need to switch doctors too. Fuck, maybe i should just move out to another state and start all over. I know J is ready to go. I just don't want to go away from my family. I almost can't stand to think of moving too far away and not seeing my family but once or twice a year. It would like be leaving my entire support system. I think Jason realizes this and that's why we havn't gone anywhere and he has lessened talks of going to Las Vegas. Although i think it would be cool to go down to southern california and work with Brunie. But i don't think Jason would be happy down there. He hates how hot it gets down there and there aren't any places that he really Wants to cook at. ANyways i just don't think i want to deal with finding all of the new life things that come with moving to a new city. I wouldn't be happy at all for a while.
So dis-organized. This post has to be one of the worst rants that i have had for a long time. I "almost" feel bad actually posting it, but oh well, sometimes i have to do it. I wanted to punch something so bad tonight but what is the point when it is just pain instead of getting the aggression out. I thought about it and is it really worth damaging my hand for a bad day and knowing how my hand loves getting infected, it would just be begging for it. I don't want another surgery. It's been nearly 5 months since the last procedure and that's been the longest in a while. I just can't seem to get down on the prednisone. I took 17 mg yesterday at work and i could feel the effects that it had and i don't know why it makes me so mad that it actually does what it is suppose to do. I got all the way down to 12 mg and i was very achy with some of the storms that have come through and i just can't seem to stay awake. So of course i think that i should take more pain meds, and that makes me feel guilty and know that my poor liver is going through hell. And i forget that prednisone is there to help too, but it's also so bad for me. And when i start taking more prednisone i get bigger and bigger. So what is better? being fat and very unhappy, but less achy, or the alternative or being achy and taking the pain medication and sleeping all of the time and trying my best not to get too much more overweight? And when i take more prednisone i can't sleep at night and my insurance just doesn't cover enough ambien to make it work so that i can actually make it to my job the next day. They tell me to get out in the sun during the "good" part of the sunny day and the natural daylight will adjust my clock, but hell no, it doesn't work that way with me. When i work i am done when i get home. What am i supposed to do? I have to work to have the insurance, and we need the money, i have to work. I have to have the medications to make it so that i can work, but what are they doing to me? Can i live with the consiquenses in the future? What are they going to be? In ten years what is Jason going to have to take care of? Do i really want to do that to him? Or do i want to drug myself so much that i am like a normal human being and just shorten my lifespan so that i can actually have a wonderful time? These are decisions that i struggle with on an everyday basis. Some days it's worse that others. Tonight is pretty bad, i don't usually think too far into the future and what will happen to my body, but i have been so frustrated with no being able to lose the weight that i am at a loss to what i can ever do. I hate coming to the conclusion that i will gain more weight just to feel like i can put in 35 hours at work. And i feel like i should be working more and helping out my co-workers more, but my body is just about done and it makes me so fucking grumpy. I think i actually made one person quit last week because i just got annoyed and didn't want to be nice anymore. The person was new and was asking dumb questions and i was sick of it so i was giving short answers. Then she got this puppy dog look and started slinking around, the next day i find out that she went home "ill" and called in sick on sunday. Jess talked to her and i guess she asked her to find someone to fill her shift and have Carrie call her, so basically it sounds like she is quitting. Too much for that one i guess. She seemed ok, but didn't like the thought of working too hard or jumping right into a job with both feet. She had a chance to put herself in there and be a rockstar, but she bailed and that's no good in my book. Whatever. Maybe I'll go in tomorrow and do some recieving and take in the ironing and folding that i did today. I'll see what's goin on in the am, i'll call the office and see.
I have been so grumpy and sad lately. I guess i don't like all of the deadlines that were upon me this past few months with the reception and stuff. I feel like i'm letting down all of my friends and family by sleeping all of the time. I still havn't gotten my brother a birthday present. I hardly spend time with Nickki and she lives so much closer than she did a few years ago. She is my best friend and one of the most thoughtful people i know and i just sleep away the time. I want to be awake, i want energy, i want to be thin again. I have Jason and i am so lucky for that but i still sleep away that time that i should be savoring with him. He loves me, he supports me and gives me more than i deserve. He offered to get me a dog so that the doggie could get me better and i could quit my job and get healthy. When we move he said that we are going to get a dog and i could stay home and take care of the puppy and the house and have muffins ready for him everyday when he gets home from work. I could do all the things i love like cleaning and baking and taking care of our pets. I can watch baseball and jewelry televison all day if i want to. But i still need health insurance so I came up with the idea of talking to Carrie and quitting my everyday job there and just continue doing the folding and ironing for the Herbfarm, but at home. It would be about 15 hours a week i would guess. Maybe i could go in two days a week when i drop off the folding and do some office work, like logging and bagging the reservations, or maybe do the prep-days and the folding and ironing? I think i would just have to cut my work load in half. I just don't know what the future holds for this body of mine. I can't get healthy and i don't know what it's going to take to get there. I need to keep moving and that is one thing that i love about my job now, I am walking around the restaurant for about 3 of the hours that i am there. I don't want a desk job because i know that i would just sit there and snack all day long. I know me and that is not something that i can do right now. With all the prednisone a desk job is not something that i should do. I was thinking today about when we get a dog, and i would have a little partner if i wanted to start walking, even though i have always been wary of walking dogs and having other dogs come up and fighting. Must have been the childhood trauma of being attacked by a dog that has led me to be so wary of that.
But i am so excited to have a dog and a pal. I am so happy with being married to Jason and what our relationship is. He is such a good man, he has some learning to do, but of course so do i. I think I am a good wife so far. I sleep too much, i feel bad when i can't pick Jason up from work because i'm sleeping. He says he doesn't care and it doesn't matter, but when his feet have been hurting i want to be able to pick him up and save him from the pain. The new shoes have helped, but the pain is still there.
We have to move in August. I don't think that we have decided if we are going to continue living with our roommates or not. It sounded like Jason thought we were going to find a place on our own, but i don't know if we can afford it, especially if i cut back on my working. I have already told Carrie that I need to cut back to 4 days permanently. Maybe i should cut it back to 3 and have my 4th day at home. I could work prep day, and the first two days of service, then they can find a high school student to work the weekends and i will do the folding for them and it would be grand. That would be absolutly ideal. But who knows what cvd will say. I never know with her, sometimes you think you have her pegged and then she surprises you with something out of left field. I often wonder what Ron thinks of me and the job that i do. He isn't ever at my review, but he has input on the paperwork that is filled out for the actual review... I dunno, it is so strange how the herbfarm is run. I think they hire some great people and they have some great things going on there, it is a good place to work for the family style enviroment, but on the opposite side people that are actually family are treated as employees at times when it seems odd.... I guess that could just be the people or person i'm thinking of.
So this post is completly about all the things that are bugging me and it's all so messy and unorganized. The way my mind has been feeling as of late. I'm glad that the reception is over, it was one of the funnest days of my life, i truely enjoyed the party 110%. I loved that my parents finally met Jason's parents and everyone made it. There were so many people it was a little overwhelming, and they all brought gifts! So many wonderful gifts, now i need to get the Thank You's out. I can hardly wait to get the pictures back from the disposible cameras. I transfered the pictures of the cake that i had on my camera and ordered prints from shutterfly. The party was so much fun, and the food was so yummy from what i heard. The cake was fantastic! I had some of that and when we cut it and ate the first bite, Jason didn't even shove it in my face like i thought that he would! When we talked about that a few days later and i told him that i was surprised that he didn't smear it all over my face and he told me "of course I wouldn't do that, you are my honey, I love you" It was such a sweet response and something that he would say, it makes me feel so good inside that i know that we are good together. He makes me smile.
Speaking of the party last week when we were at Costco for the first time together with our new membership, we pasted the meat section and the beef tenderloin was a pretty good price, so i told him that i only got one slice of the tenderloin from the party, so we bought the smallest package of tenderloin that they had, which was still 5 steaks and over 20.00. Anyway we bought it so that i could have some. It is things that Jason does like that, that make me feel special. I don't know what i would do without him, he really holds me together. I don't think that i could have made it through the past two years without him holding my hand. I am so thankful for him. I can't really even put it into words. Even when i get so frustrated at my life and what's going on, he brings me back to a better level. Now I'm getting all mushy, it always happens when i start to think of what Jason does for me and how he helps me. Now I guess I better stop since i have gone from being so frustrated to just wanting to go give my honey a big hug. He's watching a movie on our new television and i think i will join him. goodnight or goodday, whatever the case may be for you. Sorry about the ranting, sometimes i just gotta have it out there in the world.
Geez, i go back and read what i just typed and i won't realize what i have put down tomorrow. Thoughts run through my mind when i'm grumpy and it fades when i actually record it, like it has to be typed to be erased.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
(April 25th, 06-- Look up above for the pictures!)
Saturday, April 22, 2006
I felt pretty good in the latter half of the day today. After i got off work i stopped by Rite Aid and got two presciptions filled. I hadn't ever gotten anything filled there before, but it's more convinient than the bartells up on Roosevelt, the Rite Aid is on 35th on my way home from work on 80th or 85th, so not too far no matter if i have to get a refill when i'm not on my way home from work. I like that store, it's nice and bright and they seem to have a lot of gardening stuff, i picked up a bigger watering can that i currently have so that when we have our container garden this summer it will be easier to get them their food. I'm a dork. Such a dork.
I've been enjoying the new HDTV plasma that we bought a lot. I came home from work and instead of going upstairs and falling asleep while laying in bed watching the game, i brought folding from the herbfarm home with the hope that i would stay awake and actually get some work done from home while watching the baseball game. It worked today! I got 3 full bundles of linens folded for the weekend and i think i will save the menu napkins for sunday and do some extra replacements tomorrow so that all of the linens are folded and i can get out of work early! I think i also could use it for tomorrow and bring home more for sunday and that way i am getting paid to watch baseball while folding, i could also do some ironing and try to get caught up with that too.
pills just kicked in, goodnight
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
My bridal shower
(thanks for a great time girls!!)
It is April 18th and Nickki threw a bridal shower for me today. She invited about 25 people including all the girls in our family, which of course is half the group, but Jessica Ritchie is the ONLY person that wasn't family that came. And only two people called and said that they couldn't make it. HOW EMBARASSING!!! It would have been almost better if Jess hadn't been able to make it so that i wouldn't have to feel so bad that I have no friends. It was a great little party and i had a good time but it was really really embarrassing that no one showed up. Nickki is such a good friend and i love her to death for doing something so special for me. And Jessica is a sweetheart too because she wanted to throw me a party as well and Nickki just started planning before she did. Anyways, Angel, Debra, Emily, Kaylie, Kim, my Mom, Nickki and I were the attendees. Austin came in half way through the party and joined us, as did Cohen when he woke up from his nap. He is such a happy baby, it's so cute to smile at him and have him smile so big that his eyes nearly close.
Nickki had the theme of the party as “Las Vegas” with colors of black and red for the suits of playing cards, and asked the guests to wear something either shinny, sparkley, or simply red or black. I chose to wear black pants with my brown rhinestone v-neck shirt with my sparkley heels that i got for my reception. My mom looked beautiful with her new flowing red shirt and black skirt. It was so much fun helping her shop a few weeks back. She stole the best outfit award looking so nice tonight. Nickki also had a few games prepared for us to play, the first game was a Las Vegas word scramble. She picked out about 10 or 12 words that people would associate with Vegas and had us all try to unscramble them, with the goal of course being the first one to complete wins a prize. Since I have been doing so many word puzzles in the past two years I blasted that game by solving all of the words first! I have to say that she did a very good job at scrambling the words and being inventive with the ones she chose. The next game we all played was “How well do you know Anne?” There were questions the girls had to answer about my favorite food, drink, animal, sport, color, season. Then a few questions that were more factual such as my first car, where i was born and how many times i have moved. Debra won that game with only missing two questions, which we all agreed could have been the correct answers. She guessed that my favorite food was BBQ sauce (i had written down chocolate pudding) and she said that I had moved 4 times and i think that we all decided that i had only moved three times. It's sort of funny how some people don't really know the little things and some people really pick up on that sort of stuff and remember. Actually I don't recall what we decided on with how many times I had moved.... But the important thing is that Debra got the prize for that game!
Nickki had also prepared little gift bags with little bottles of champagne and a few “Vegas” style things like a poker chip key chain, a money cover note pad, and a few loose poker chips. She also put numbers on the bottoms of each bag for a game to be played later, which was sorta fun as well. Nickki had made up additional prize bags and blew up some balloons with numbers on a little sheet of paper inside of each balloon. Then i got to pop a balloon and who ever had the matching number of the popped balloon to the number on the bottom of their gift bag got to pick another bag of goodies! I don't know where she gets all of these ideas for these parties, she is so creative.
OH! Didn't even mention the FOOD yet... or the decorations! She had prepared a seven layer dip with both tortilla chips and nacho cheese flavored chips to go with. There were little beef tortilla wrapped things that were baked, and for the life of me I can't think of what they are called but they were tasty. Jessica brought a fruit kabob plate with creme fresh e, these delightful little dutch cookies that had a gingery taste and they were sandwiched with a yummy filling, i think it was a cream cheese frosting. She also prepared a veggie plate of carrots, cucumber, pita wedges and hummus for dipping. Nickki baked chocolate cupcakes and had Shirley Temples out with little cherries. Later we broke out the champagne and orange juice. Some of us had mimosas and some just had champagne. It was a wonderful spread of food and i didn't eat that much but i was so full! I brought home a cupcake for Jason and i just might have to steal it from him!
The decorations that Nickki had around the house were so cute too. There were these streamers that she hung in various corners that consisted of the four suits of a deck of cards with money signs mixed in. She had little votive candles around set up in little groups. The dining room table was black and red with napkins, forks and spoons to match all set up in a lovely manner. She also found some balloons that were covered in cards and also had a few black ones in the mix as well. There was a vase of red tulips in the kitchen that were a nice touch too. She did such a nice job on everything, especially the invitations! My goodness, she hadn't sent me one because she had originally wanted it to be a surprise party and just figured that since i was the guest of honor that i would be there. Anyways I had talked to her yesterday and we decided that i would like to have one for my scrapbook or wedding album when i put something together. The invitations were hand made with heavy textured card stock of red and black. Red bigger than the black in blocks with a spade, heart, diamond, and club on the outside. They look very professional and nice. And on the inside it is ivory colored paper with all of the info inviting the person to my bridal shower. It had Nickki's address and contact info for additional questions if needed. I was very impressed by her today and her talents. She had become quite the party planner. She even gave me some scrapbook paper to use if I wanted for thank you notes for the reception. What a gal! Sometimes i get overwhelmed by how much Nickki does for everyone, it's like there is nothing that i could do to repay her or even come close to showing my appreciation for all that she does. She had become an amazing person, I'm very lucky to have her in my life and even luckier to have her as my best friend and have her call me the same.
On top of all the games, food, decorations and family that were there, Nickki, Jessica, Kimberly and my mom all got me gifts! Nickki gave me a visa gift card . Jessica gave me a gift card to Cost Plus World Market. Kim said that she didn't have time to go shopping so she gave me cash. My mom said that she is going to take me shopping for dishes! It's so amazing that i have these people in my life. I guess i don't need friends when i have a family like i have. As long as I have Jason and my family and my heart keeps beating, i will be okay.