Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Arthritis sucks.

I have been struggling mightily the past few months with this damn disease. I have been trying and trying but i get so frustrated sometimes. I really do try to keep a positive attitude, but some days i don't want to be positive, i don't want to be weak and i certinly don't want the stresses that come with the stupid disease. I keep thinking about what all of the pain meds are doing to my liver, what they are doing to my stomach, what it is doing to my brain. The last two years have been near torture on my body. It has had too many surgeries, too much pain medication and so much weight put on I just don't know how the damn thing keeps adapting. I hate complaining, yet i keep feeling the need to pour my heart out onto the blog or something like that so that i don't drag actual people into my minds own battle with it's self. Wait, what am i saying, i love complaining, i do it all the time. And it's absolutly wonderful to write it all. It's lovely having an outlet to write at. In fact i love that i can write about how much something sucks and knowing that it's out there in the world somewhere, and someone can read it and take what they want from it and i don't have to respond to it. I think that helps a lot. I like talking to my honey about things that bother me, but i don't always want to bring him down or know how much little things bother me sometimes. I think that is natural. It's almost like having a therapist without actually having the person writing in their notebook about how messed up my mind is. I know that I'm struggling, but I have family there to tell me all of that i don't need to pay for someone to tell me what i already know. And i have my doctor there to prescribe me the crazy pills to help me numb to it all.

I was talking to my cousin last week about depression and it really was comforting knowing that there is someone else out there that has had the same thoughts about "going crazy" as i have had. I think it made her feel better too. Maybe it is something in our family that chemically wrong. We both had nutty thoughts about silly things and knew that we shouldn't be feeling that way and yet couldn't help it. I knew that i had to get on medication for that reason and so did she. It helps to have a support system there, even if you don't talk to them constantly, just knowing that they are there if you need em is comforting.

At the shower someone asked me, i can't remember who, what my feelings and thoughts were about depression. I don't know how many people knew that i was on meds for it, but i told them that i had been on zoloft for about two years and i thought that it worked really well for about a year, and now i don't think it is working as well. I feel like i'm slipping back to where i was before. I think i should contact my doctor or at least the Kerry and see what i should do about the dose, either go higher or switch to another medicine all together. I should also ask what the side effects are long term of this stuff. Some of the depression medication commercials say something about sexual side effects, is that long term or immediate? I really need to ask more questions when i go to the doctor. I always feel rushed to get out of there though... Maybe i need to switch doctors too. Fuck, maybe i should just move out to another state and start all over. I know J is ready to go. I just don't want to go away from my family. I almost can't stand to think of moving too far away and not seeing my family but once or twice a year. It would like be leaving my entire support system. I think Jason realizes this and that's why we havn't gone anywhere and he has lessened talks of going to Las Vegas. Although i think it would be cool to go down to southern california and work with Brunie. But i don't think Jason would be happy down there. He hates how hot it gets down there and there aren't any places that he really Wants to cook at. ANyways i just don't think i want to deal with finding all of the new life things that come with moving to a new city. I wouldn't be happy at all for a while.

So dis-organized. This post has to be one of the worst rants that i have had for a long time. I "almost" feel bad actually posting it, but oh well, sometimes i have to do it. I wanted to punch something so bad tonight but what is the point when it is just pain instead of getting the aggression out. I thought about it and is it really worth damaging my hand for a bad day and knowing how my hand loves getting infected, it would just be begging for it. I don't want another surgery. It's been nearly 5 months since the last procedure and that's been the longest in a while. I just can't seem to get down on the prednisone. I took 17 mg yesterday at work and i could feel the effects that it had and i don't know why it makes me so mad that it actually does what it is suppose to do. I got all the way down to 12 mg and i was very achy with some of the storms that have come through and i just can't seem to stay awake. So of course i think that i should take more pain meds, and that makes me feel guilty and know that my poor liver is going through hell. And i forget that prednisone is there to help too, but it's also so bad for me. And when i start taking more prednisone i get bigger and bigger. So what is better? being fat and very unhappy, but less achy, or the alternative or being achy and taking the pain medication and sleeping all of the time and trying my best not to get too much more overweight? And when i take more prednisone i can't sleep at night and my insurance just doesn't cover enough ambien to make it work so that i can actually make it to my job the next day. They tell me to get out in the sun during the "good" part of the sunny day and the natural daylight will adjust my clock, but hell no, it doesn't work that way with me. When i work i am done when i get home. What am i supposed to do? I have to work to have the insurance, and we need the money, i have to work. I have to have the medications to make it so that i can work, but what are they doing to me? Can i live with the consiquenses in the future? What are they going to be? In ten years what is Jason going to have to take care of? Do i really want to do that to him? Or do i want to drug myself so much that i am like a normal human being and just shorten my lifespan so that i can actually have a wonderful time? These are decisions that i struggle with on an everyday basis. Some days it's worse that others. Tonight is pretty bad, i don't usually think too far into the future and what will happen to my body, but i have been so frustrated with no being able to lose the weight that i am at a loss to what i can ever do. I hate coming to the conclusion that i will gain more weight just to feel like i can put in 35 hours at work. And i feel like i should be working more and helping out my co-workers more, but my body is just about done and it makes me so fucking grumpy. I think i actually made one person quit last week because i just got annoyed and didn't want to be nice anymore. The person was new and was asking dumb questions and i was sick of it so i was giving short answers. Then she got this puppy dog look and started slinking around, the next day i find out that she went home "ill" and called in sick on sunday. Jess talked to her and i guess she asked her to find someone to fill her shift and have Carrie call her, so basically it sounds like she is quitting. Too much for that one i guess. She seemed ok, but didn't like the thought of working too hard or jumping right into a job with both feet. She had a chance to put herself in there and be a rockstar, but she bailed and that's no good in my book. Whatever. Maybe I'll go in tomorrow and do some recieving and take in the ironing and folding that i did today. I'll see what's goin on in the am, i'll call the office and see.

I have been so grumpy and sad lately. I guess i don't like all of the deadlines that were upon me this past few months with the reception and stuff. I feel like i'm letting down all of my friends and family by sleeping all of the time. I still havn't gotten my brother a birthday present. I hardly spend time with Nickki and she lives so much closer than she did a few years ago. She is my best friend and one of the most thoughtful people i know and i just sleep away the time. I want to be awake, i want energy, i want to be thin again. I have Jason and i am so lucky for that but i still sleep away that time that i should be savoring with him. He loves me, he supports me and gives me more than i deserve. He offered to get me a dog so that the doggie could get me better and i could quit my job and get healthy. When we move he said that we are going to get a dog and i could stay home and take care of the puppy and the house and have muffins ready for him everyday when he gets home from work. I could do all the things i love like cleaning and baking and taking care of our pets. I can watch baseball and jewelry televison all day if i want to. But i still need health insurance so I came up with the idea of talking to Carrie and quitting my everyday job there and just continue doing the folding and ironing for the Herbfarm, but at home. It would be about 15 hours a week i would guess. Maybe i could go in two days a week when i drop off the folding and do some office work, like logging and bagging the reservations, or maybe do the prep-days and the folding and ironing? I think i would just have to cut my work load in half. I just don't know what the future holds for this body of mine. I can't get healthy and i don't know what it's going to take to get there. I need to keep moving and that is one thing that i love about my job now, I am walking around the restaurant for about 3 of the hours that i am there. I don't want a desk job because i know that i would just sit there and snack all day long. I know me and that is not something that i can do right now. With all the prednisone a desk job is not something that i should do. I was thinking today about when we get a dog, and i would have a little partner if i wanted to start walking, even though i have always been wary of walking dogs and having other dogs come up and fighting. Must have been the childhood trauma of being attacked by a dog that has led me to be so wary of that.
But i am so excited to have a dog and a pal. I am so happy with being married to Jason and what our relationship is. He is such a good man, he has some learning to do, but of course so do i. I think I am a good wife so far. I sleep too much, i feel bad when i can't pick Jason up from work because i'm sleeping. He says he doesn't care and it doesn't matter, but when his feet have been hurting i want to be able to pick him up and save him from the pain. The new shoes have helped, but the pain is still there.

We have to move in August. I don't think that we have decided if we are going to continue living with our roommates or not. It sounded like Jason thought we were going to find a place on our own, but i don't know if we can afford it, especially if i cut back on my working. I have already told Carrie that I need to cut back to 4 days permanently. Maybe i should cut it back to 3 and have my 4th day at home. I could work prep day, and the first two days of service, then they can find a high school student to work the weekends and i will do the folding for them and it would be grand. That would be absolutly ideal. But who knows what cvd will say. I never know with her, sometimes you think you have her pegged and then she surprises you with something out of left field. I often wonder what Ron thinks of me and the job that i do. He isn't ever at my review, but he has input on the paperwork that is filled out for the actual review... I dunno, it is so strange how the herbfarm is run. I think they hire some great people and they have some great things going on there, it is a good place to work for the family style enviroment, but on the opposite side people that are actually family are treated as employees at times when it seems odd.... I guess that could just be the people or person i'm thinking of.

So this post is completly about all the things that are bugging me and it's all so messy and unorganized. The way my mind has been feeling as of late. I'm glad that the reception is over, it was one of the funnest days of my life, i truely enjoyed the party 110%. I loved that my parents finally met Jason's parents and everyone made it. There were so many people it was a little overwhelming, and they all brought gifts! So many wonderful gifts, now i need to get the Thank You's out. I can hardly wait to get the pictures back from the disposible cameras. I transfered the pictures of the cake that i had on my camera and ordered prints from shutterfly. The party was so much fun, and the food was so yummy from what i heard. The cake was fantastic! I had some of that and when we cut it and ate the first bite, Jason didn't even shove it in my face like i thought that he would! When we talked about that a few days later and i told him that i was surprised that he didn't smear it all over my face and he told me "of course I wouldn't do that, you are my honey, I love you" It was such a sweet response and something that he would say, it makes me feel so good inside that i know that we are good together. He makes me smile.
Speaking of the party last week when we were at Costco for the first time together with our new membership, we pasted the meat section and the beef tenderloin was a pretty good price, so i told him that i only got one slice of the tenderloin from the party, so we bought the smallest package of tenderloin that they had, which was still 5 steaks and over 20.00. Anyway we bought it so that i could have some. It is things that Jason does like that, that make me feel special. I don't know what i would do without him, he really holds me together. I don't think that i could have made it through the past two years without him holding my hand. I am so thankful for him. I can't really even put it into words. Even when i get so frustrated at my life and what's going on, he brings me back to a better level. Now I'm getting all mushy, it always happens when i start to think of what Jason does for me and how he helps me. Now I guess I better stop since i have gone from being so frustrated to just wanting to go give my honey a big hug. He's watching a movie on our new television and i think i will join him. goodnight or goodday, whatever the case may be for you. Sorry about the ranting, sometimes i just gotta have it out there in the world.

Geez, i go back and read what i just typed and i won't realize what i have put down tomorrow. Thoughts run through my mind when i'm grumpy and it fades when i actually record it, like it has to be typed to be erased.

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